Having a life partner is something that is beautiful and sweet—like, having someone to wake up to every day. But, when you have to fall asleep at night and your partner starts breathing—you know not breathing but wheezing, the pre-snore—you pretty much wish you could drop dead on the spot.
Sleeping next to someone who snores is worse than stubbing your pinky toe on the couch in the dark. It’s worse than burning the breakfast bacon. It’s worse than finishing the last bottle of wine in the house.
1. You always try to go to bed before your man to ensure you can actually fall asleep.
My wife got a Fitbit for the sole purpose of proving how many times I wake her up in the middle of the night by snoring.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 20, 2016
2. And, if your husband falls asleep first, you have to pop an Advil PM to knock out.
Me to husband: I never sleep well when you're gone & hate it when you travel.
Also Me: I hate it when you breathe like that in your sleep
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) May 26, 2017
3. You know the snoring routine—the moment that he takes a weird-sounding breath, the storm is coming.
“omg he is the most precious thing on this planet. No one disturb him. Let’s leave the room.”
*attempts to shove him off the bed so he wakes up*
— The European (@ArnelaZekic) October 13, 2018
4. You have a million techniques to try and get him to stop.
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
5. Like, the simple “accidental nudge.”
My husband volunteered to sleep on the couch tonight since he’s been snoring so much lately.
Don’t tell me the fire isn’t burning bright in our marriage.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) March 2, 2018
6. Or, the “I’m going to roll over and push you with my butt.”
Couldn’t sleep last night. Too busy rolling my husband over and over like a damn rotisserie chicken to stop him from snoring.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) March 28, 2017
7. Or, the “I’m going to hit you 14 times with my pillow because I’m over it.”
The easiest way to get your husband to stop snoring is to smother him with a pillow.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) September 26, 2018
8. You’ve contemplated sleeping on the couch a lot.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: "I just love him so much, he's my everyth-"
Me: "I can't live like this."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
9. But, honestly, your hubby should be the one to sleep on the couch because he’s a f**king animal.
Hello couchness my old friend
I've come to sleep on you again
Because a wife softly seething
Hates the fact that I'm breathing
— Jack C (@Jack_C44) December 27, 2016
10. You’ve left subtle hints around the house—like nose strips and breathing machine articles.
World’s Worst Sounds:
1. Nails on a chalkboard
2. Alarm clock
3. Dentist’s drill
4. That tiny puff of air my husband’s lips make every time he exhales while sleeping
— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 3, 2018
11. Nothing is worse than the snoring when your man comes home after a couple of beers (or too many).
I can’t be sure but either my husband’s snoring woke me up or the earth itself cracked in half.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 16, 2018
12. You have to watch TV with captions on because you can’t hear sh*t over him.
You don't even need an alarm clock when you're married cuz he will loudly clear his throat and wake you at 6am every morning until you die.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 11, 2017
13. You actually have slept with headphones in just to get some peace of mind.
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
— Jingle Bell Jawbreaker 🎄 (@sixfootcandy) September 12, 2018
14. You’ve contemplated his death more than once.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 26, 2018