Getting married is a very special thing. Not everyone can choose someone they like enough to spend the rest of their life with—every single day. Hey, I can’t even stand my family for more than 48-hours, so deciding to be with someone from sunrise-sunset, well, that’s a true commitment.
But, those who are married know that while it is special, it’s not all rainbows and butterflies. Nope, being married is often times a headache and a lot of fighting and complaining. Usually, about who ate the last bit of the ice cream and getting mad at your husband for not doing the dishes the right way. Preach.
"5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you"
"eat all the leftovers again and i will end you"
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
ME: I bought you some new undershirts.
HIM: [genuinely] That's exciting.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) February 4, 2016
[crawls out of burning house]
"SIR, IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE INSIDE?"
[flash backs of wife making me watch Big Bang Theory]
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) March 29, 2016
My husband doesn't seem to realize I'm mad at him which is ridiculous because I just spent the last 20 min convincing him I'm not mad at him
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) November 6, 2016
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
— Kate Sidley (@sidleykate) October 21, 2017
50 Shades of Grey, the married-with-kids version:
Attempting to sort 50 white (now grey) socks in laundry basket while husband snores.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) April 20, 2017
If at first you don't succeed maybe your wife will just do it for you from now on like that time I loaded the dishwasher.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 22, 2015
In case you're wondering what marriage is like, my husband and I just fought over the fact that he wouldn't tell me where he hid the candy I asked him to hide from me.
— Lindsey Silver (@EvenTheDogsABoy) February 23, 2018
wife [on phone] Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
wife: What temperature?
wife: That's the clock
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) April 16, 2017
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
— beth, an alien™ (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
Until I got married I didn't even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
— Donna McCoy (@Donna_McCoy) January 17, 2017
[leaving for work]
*gives wife a quick kiss*
*spends 10 minutes saying bye to the dog*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) January 18, 2017
You know you've been married a while when you can correctly answer "What's that one person's name in that movie about the thing?"
— Z🎄CK (@Mr_Kapowski) November 4, 2016
My husband won't let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn't want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
— bubble girl (@JessObsess) June 20, 2017
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 21, 2016
Text from wife: I'm so sorry, I'm gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you'd like to tell me who used all my essential oils
— Dan Duvall (@lazerdoov) February 15, 2017
Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share.
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 30, 2015
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) November 2, 2014
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
— Michael hates the holidays (@Home_Halfway) February 21, 2017
Me, "I need to get in shape."
Hubs, "What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?"
Me, "Shape, not Shake."
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 19, 2017
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 24, 2015
Marriage is basically agreeing to not sleep in a comfortable position again for the rest of your life.
— QUΞΞN🎃ΔLΔNΔ (@AlanaRockz) November 16, 2015
Marry your true love so you can always wake up together and say, "Breathe the other way".
— Walking Outside In Slippers (@WalkingOutside) April 20, 2017
Wife: You pick dinner.
Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
Wife: It's up to you.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don't have to take it out.
— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016
Don't marry someone before you see them step on a Lego.
— Jay (@theshamingofjay) May 9, 2017
You: *opens mouth to say something
Me: "Shh, baby, I really don't feel like arguing right now."
— Scorpicpanda (@scorpicpanda) March 20, 2016
Wife: I'm going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 20, 2017
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you're interested.
— Jeff⚡️ (@JeffSarcastic) September 20, 2016