Every mom knows our kids can be real a**holes sometimes. No matter how well you parent them, kids (especially toddlers) are straight up jerks. They love to drive us up a wall. No matter how nice we are to them, how many times we watch Moana, how many dino nuggets we make, how much ice cream we give them—they will get their sweet revenge on us for putting them to bed early so we could watch the newest episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
Me: We all make mistakes.
5: Even you?
5: Oh yeah! Like when you're trying to cook food that tastes good but then it doesn't?
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 15, 2016
I was arguing with my husband and my son screamed "yay! TWO christmases!" from the other room.
— JennyPentland (@JennyPentland) May 6, 2017
4-year-old: Can I have some of your candy?
Wife: I got this for Mother's Day.
4: You're only a mom because of me.
— "Bare Minimum Parenting" in bookstores now (@XplodingUnicorn) May 13, 2017
When I was a kid I had to say "yes, sir" and "no, sir." My son just threatened to call 911 because I'm making him eat a hotdog.
— eriK (@ericsshadow) August 2, 2016
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn't wash my hands
— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) June 9, 2015
My 11yo wrote me an apology for misbehaving in the car that included "I love you so much but sometimes forget to care about your existence."
— Seasonal Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 27, 2016
10: Mom what's a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
— 🎄Sardonic Tart🎄 (@SardonicTart) December 12, 2014
Me: “See this? It’s a fossil of a fish that lived FIFTY MILLION YEARS AGO!”
7yo: “So you were almost born then, right?”
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) May 11, 2017
Son: Mom you look like you're 20 …
Son: … thousand years old.
— Deva Dalporto (@mylifesuckers) July 11, 2016
7yo: Why can't I have coffee?
Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) August 13, 2016
5yo: Just one more question before I go to bed.
5yo: What are the lines on your forehead for?
5yo: Now they look angry.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 15, 2016
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: "can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?"
— Ally (@TragicAllyHere) January 23, 2016
6YR OLD: does it hurt, daddy?
ME: [with a tissue up my nose to stop the bleeding] yes
6: good…that'll teach you not to eat my ice cream
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) August 17, 2016
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn't, that she is a toddler. She replied, "No, I'm a grown up. I'm going to touch knives."
— jess ⚪️ (@jessokfine) June 29, 2015
I cut the crust off my daughter's PB&J and I swear to god I heard her whisper that I'm her bitch now.
— The Dad (@thedad) December 29, 2015
4: What did I earn for being good today?
Me: My love and affection.
4: [cries] I don't want that!
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) May 1, 2016
Standing in line at the store. 4 yr old daughter told man I LIKE YOUR TEETH B/C THEY'RE MY FAVORITE COLOR YELLOW. I still die to this day. https://t.co/qGFysBru9y
— ARiES RAiNE (@ariesraine) July 30, 2017
A lady complimented my daughters shoes. She looked down at the ladies feet and said "thank you but yours aren't very pretty." 😨 https://t.co/KEIyljcz13
— Philthy Witz (@PhillyYocs) July 30, 2017
I ain't got kids yet but my nephew told this lady in the store "you have hair on your face like my uncle" https://t.co/u7jHcSPLSQ
— Walt (@walts1008) July 30, 2017
— Steel Magnolia💕 (@Itskashaj) July 30, 2017