If a guy knows how to make our marriage into a joke for the Twitter fame—he’s doing it right.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
Relationship status: My wife asked me what my favorite color was and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 4, 2014
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
Txt from wife: where r u
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
— underchilde (@underchilde) October 1, 2017
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 24, 2016
The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.
— TheAlexNevil, An Fear (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016
ME: isn't this great??
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
— podcasto,,,PODCASTO, , (@hippieswordfish) November 3, 2015
Her: we need to talk.
— Goats? (@Gooooats) September 23, 2015
Headed to Goodwill to buy back something I donated yesterday because this is my lesson on why marriage communication is so important.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 5, 2015
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.
— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
accountant: "youre basically broke"
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
— k e i t h🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015
Wife: Wow, I'm tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we're out of…"oven"?
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) November 3, 2013
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 7, 2016
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… Were you fired??
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 26, 2015
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) February 10, 2016