If a guy knows how to make our marriage into a joke for the Twitter fame—he’s doing it right.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.— keith (@tchrquotes) November 4, 2014
Wife: But I only...
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Relationship status: My wife asked me what my favorite color was and then told me I was wrong.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 20, 2014
therapist: so why do you want to end your marriage?— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) May 18, 2015
wife: I hate the constant star wars puns
husband: divorce is strong with this one
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 4, 2014
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 10, 2014
It's hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Txt from wife: where r u— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
[sitting at a table]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 12, 2015
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.— underchilde (@underchilde) October 1, 2017
MARRIED SEXT— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it's in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) February 24, 2016
The Mrs and I have been married so long she can finish my sentences.— TheAlexNevil, An Fear (@TheAlexNevil) April 12, 2016
She also starts most of them and supplies the middle parts too.
ME: isn't this great??— podcasto,,,PODCASTO, , (@hippieswordfish) November 3, 2015
WIFE: not really
ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
Her: we need to talk.— Goats? (@Gooooats) September 23, 2015
Headed to Goodwill to buy back something I donated yesterday because this is my lesson on why marriage communication is so important.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 5, 2015
[runs to the door to greet wife]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) February 28, 2016
I'm afraid there's been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
Marriage is just texting each other "Do we need anything from the grocery store?" a bunch of times until one of you dies.— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) July 15, 2015
accountant: "youre basically broke"— k e i t h🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) October 27, 2015
wife: "he keeps spending money on stupid stuff"
me: "lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid"
Wife: Wow, I'm tired— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) November 3, 2013
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I'll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we're out of..."oven"?
Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.— Just Bill (@WilliamAder) May 7, 2016
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
ME: honey, it's really muggy out today— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) June 15, 2015
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words... Were you fired??— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) March 26, 2015
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you get off your ass and do things.— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) February 10, 2016