Kids are sneaky little devils. Sometimes, they enter a room without any of us even knowing. When they’re trying to creep around, they do it well. If only they were quiet when we asked them to be, right guys? Due to this, we parents tend to slip a few potty mouth words (or, even do some pretty horrible things) in front of our kids, because we have no actual knowledge that they’re in the same very room as us. Mistakes happen—right?
Recently, Reddit user u/LultimaNotte asked the web: “Parents, what is the worst/most awkward thing your kid has seen or overheard because you didn’t realize they were in the room?” Oh boy, did parents deliver. Shame, shame, I know all of your usernames!
My ex wife was having an affair (i did not know) and took my 3 sons to beach one day. There just “happened” to be a guy there from her work. At one point one of my sons was standing off to the side and overheard my ex wife say to her co worker…”if your gonna stare at my ass don’t be doing it in front of the kids”…my son came home and told me.
She is now my “ex.”
After my now-ex bought his new house, he and I got into the habit of fooling around on the couch in the basement rec room after his two young kids went to sleep. We weren’t loud, but we weren’t exactly quiet. Seems reckless, but the kids were on the second floor and we had a smart house, so we would have known if the doors to either of their rooms opened. And the basement rec room was further away from their rooms then our bedroom. It seemed like the best way for us to get our jollies on during the nights when we had the kids.
About six months after we’ve moved into this house I was doing some chores while my boyfriend and his brother were in the basement on the couch just chatting. I went into his son’s room to put away some laundry and to my absolute horror I could hear every single word they were saying in the basement, amplified and clear as a bell, as if they were standing directly next to me. I could hear it when his brother took a sip of his coffee. Turns out the vent above the basement couch went straight to his son’s bedroom. And the vent was right next to his bed.
When my son was around 18 months old, he was napping so feeling frisky we decided perfect time to get it on. So my SO was bent over the bed and I was behind her about to finish and my son sneaks in and starts slapping my bare ass. My SO was moaning why I had stopped and then realised why. Very funny, but would not recommend.
When my husband and I started dating, he was renting a room in a basement from some friends. The friends had kids around the same age (~6 at the time) as his daughter and they played well together. It was a summer day so the kids went outside to play and we started fooling around. I had a dress on and ended up on top of him on the couch.
A few days later, he gets an angry call from baby momma. Apparently, his daughter snuck back into the basement and sat at the top of the steps where it was dark and watched us! She pinned another kid down at daycare trying to reenact what she saw. Definitely one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.
I’m not a parent but my friend has three kids. He ate something one time and spit it right back out saying “that tasted like old man ball sack”. His son was right behind him and now it’s his new catch phrase.
My daughter hid at the foot of the bed while me an my ex wife where discussing my recent at the time suicide attempt and my depression. We don’t know how long she was there. She claimed only a second and I hope she didn’t hear details. They see a counselor to deal with the divorce and its never come up.
My sister was snoozing on the couch when my parents walked in and started talking without realizing she was there. Apparently, Dad’s birthday was coming up and Mom brought up the topic of a birthday BJ, at which point my sister was no longer asleep. She was profoundly grossed out by being privy to that conservation.
Literally last night. My wife and i were watching The Good Place. Janet said “Happiness Pump” and i looked at my wife and said “Ha! Penis Pump.”
Cue 5 year old(boy): “Peeeenis puump?”
My mom was talking on the phone one day and I was sitting next to her. She was talking about her sister, and she was being overly friendly. I literally had no idea who it could have been at first, my stepdad was downstairs, and it obviously wasn’t my aunt on the other side, and she didn’t have any friends she would talk like that to. So when she hung up I asked who it was, and she told me “a friend.” So I asked “a boyfriend?” Turns out she was cheating on my stepdad. A few days later I was getting a snack from the pantry and I heard my mom tell my aunt that she can’t wait to move out and leave my stepdad. She thought I was outside. Hands down the worst way to learn that your family is splitting up.
My son found our handcuffs. We told him they were in case we had to catch a bad guy.
He then proceeded to excitedly tell his grandmother about it at a family gathering.
Every once in a while, the wife and I will shower together. It’s a good way to get a break from the kidos and have some alone time together.
2 weeks ago, daughter (4 years old) was napping and we snuck into the shower together. We’re making some noise now and things are already set in motion that I can’t take back. In the heat of the moment we hear “Can I come in too? Family shower!”
We pop our heads out of each side of the shower curtain and see our daughter just standing there naked, totally ready to jump in, with the most innocent smile and excitement on her face.
She somehow snuck in without us hearing. I hope she wasn’t standing there for long.
Me, mid orgasm, on top of her dad when I was about 35 weeks pregnant. She started crying because she thought he was hurting me. She was 4.
Spoilers ahead for Netflix series “Dirty John”. In the last episode, a male character tries to kidnap a young woman at knifepoint, she fights back and gets a hold of the knife. She stabs him several times in the back, and then directly in the eye. It’s all clearly visible and graphic. Right after the scene ended, we heard our 5 year old son crying quietly in his room. He told me heard it and it sounded scary, but he admitted to my wife that he watched the whole thing.
I came home from school when I was very little and my dad was ya know doin things to my mom in the kitchen like all folks do, and I asked what they were doing very awkward for them, but I was just little. Later that week we had a huge family gathering and I remember telling a bunch of people that I saw my dad putting his fingers in my moms butthole like to my aunts and uncles and grandparents…. Definitely an interesting Christmas party for sure. It’s all passed us now and honestly no one talks about it, so I think it’s all good.
My parents divorced sometime in my 20s. Dad started dating soon after and asked to come over to dinner at his new girlfriend’s house. He had been outside grilling steaks and when we sat down to dinner she said, “I can’t wait to taste your father’s meat!”
Daughter… My mom is pretty open about what’s going on with her cycle, we all always knew when she was menstruating. We’re mostly female in our house, no one really cared.
So one of these times we’re piled on the van returning from some trip and we’re all off in our own little words when one sentence from my parents conversation comes though:
Dad: Tonight, I’ll be Moses.
Sister and I scream in horrors, dad admits that we weren’t supposed to hear that.
I’m a daughter and I didn’t see or hear anything, but I sure did smell it! My room was upstairs above the bathroom, and there was a crawlspace behind my bed, and the vent pipes from the bathroom went through it. And every time my dad took a long shower and smoked a joint, I smelled it.
My mom talked about using anal beads while we were at a McDonald’s, apparently she forgot that I was there. It was the most awkward dinner that I ever had.
I tripped over my cat once, called him a Dickhead. My 3 year old daughter decided that was his new name and told everyone daddy calls the cat dickhead. Grandparents, Nursery staff and anyone who asked about her pet cat!
I’m the child. Sitting with my mom and she called downstairs for my dad to make her some tea. Sent a text message back “if you’ll give me a bj”
Little did he know, I was on her phone, googling something at the time
I’m not sure if this counts but I’ll go ahead anyway.
I was about 8-9 years old and my parents were going through a divorce. My moms lawyer (idk, fuzzy on the details) and friend were over at our place and were discussing divorce stuff. My mom tells me to get them water or something, and I go out of the room to get it. I come back with it and my mom’s friend goes like “this is the kid we were telling you about that’s adopted…” and trailed off when he noticed me standing there.
Definitely not the best way to find out but at least I got to confirm my suspicions of being adopted.
My kid caught me watching an episode of “To Catch a Predator” and laughing at the humiliating arrest scenes.